Joan and Ben have been married for fifty-two years. I was lucky enough to speak with them recently, and asked them to explain the longevity of their relationship. “Laughter,” Joan said. “We love to make each other laugh, and we find so much to laugh about together.” Nodding in agreement, Ben added, “Even in the middle of our worst fights, it’s hard to stay mad at someone who can always make me laugh.” They went on to describe the importance of mutual respect and friendship as cornerstones of their healthy relationship. Ben said, “Respect is as important as love sometimes. And you have to like each other as much as love each other. If you don’t like to be around the person you’re with, what’s the point?”

Both stressed the beauty and opportunity in everyday life. “You don’t have to spend lots of money or try to find something exotic to do in order to have a deep connection,” Joan said. As an example, she described their morning routine. “I make our coffee as he reads the paper. He shares every story he reads with me and asks my opinion about it. Sometimes we’ll have different opinions and we get into debates. Or he’ll just nod his head and say ‘interesting’ and continue to read. I can tell he’s thinking about what I said.”

Think of all the things you’re involved in that don’t include your partner (hobbies, work, daily routines). Even if you prefer to do these activities alone (or with someone other than your partner), can you think of ways to share parts of these experiences with your husband or wife? For instance, when I finish an article, I could immediately submit it and move on to the next article. From a time standpoint, that would be the easiest and most efficient thing to do. What I do instead is ask my wife to read it and share her impressions of what I’ve written. And the result? We’ve had conversations that we wouldn’t have had otherwise, discussions where we felt connected and where we talked about relationships in general and our relationship in particular.